Don’t Be Fooled, It’s Not Spring Yet.
Had the windows open, didn’t you? Thought you might actually be turning the heat off? Broke into the summer wardrobe and pulled out some shorts and a t-shirt? Well, I’m here to remind you of a simple fact that everyone on the Jersey Shore should know by now: It’s NOT spring yet. We’re gonna get another taste of winter and it’s probably gonna stink. Yep, you know it too. The seasons in New Jersey – especially at The Shore – they’re not regular. NJ’s seasons are messed up. We don’t do the typical, “winter, spring, summer, fall” thing.
Here at the Jersey Shore spring plays peekaboo with us, teasing us in tragic fashion. Here’s a look at the official “seasons” in New Jersey:
Winter
This season is punctuated with a mix of early darkness, cold temperatures and mind-numbing loneliness. Winter on the Jersey Shore will give you one or two drops of decent snowfall; stuff that you’ll have to actually shovel. But, there will also be a few threats of snow which won’t actually materialize. Despite not dropping barely two inches of snow, schools will still close. The school Superintendent clearly hit the bread, milk and liquor store and didn’t want his or her storm prep to go to waste. This school closing will leave parents wondering what the hell to do for the day and posting, “Back in My Day” memes.
Fool’s Spring (we are here NOW)
This is where we are now. Fool’s Spring is identified by a 55-60 degree day in February. Despite it still being FEBRUARY everyone gets excited because A) they’ve outgrown the indentation on the couch that their lard-ass created during winter’s hibernation and, B) they have no money left after paying the heating bills all winter. The 60 degrees is a welcome opportunity to turn off the heat. But, it won’t last, sucker.
Second Winter
If you thought first winter sucked wait until you see Second Winter. Usually found in March but sometimes seen in April, Second Winter brings a big dump of wet, heavy snow. Schools and work places close. For a few hours, the Garden State Parkway shrinks down to one lane filled with every dumbass that ever climbed behind the wheel. Oh, and that snow? Yeah, that stuff is heavy. Like, “Your Chiropractor Can Buy a Third Summer Home After All the Appointments You’ll Need to Fix Your Back” heavy. What really stinks is that the temps will warm up in a day or two so you probably could have just skipped shoveling, waited for the warm-up and let that crap melt.
Actual Spring
This is the one with the birds and the bees. This is the spring we love. Suddenly, we’re not lonely and depressed. For all things that are holy on the planet, we love spring. Note: With spring comes pollen and allergies. And that SUCKS. But, if it means some sunshine and warmer temperatures, then we’ll put up with it.
Summer
The most glorious time of year. If you buy a beach badge.
Swamp Ass Alert
Oh, it’s hot. And humid. How hot and humid is it? You ever been in an Ecuadorian prison cell after the afternoon rain leaks through the ceiling and then the sun comes out to beat down upon the roof again? No? You haven’t? Good. Because that’s a little bit cooler than the Swamp Ass you’ll feel on the Jersey Shore during Swamp Ass Season. Granted, this season doesn’t last too long. But, while it does your air conditioner is the most prized member of the family. I’d kill for a few more BTU on that thing, but that murder conviction would likely stick me into an Ecuadorian-esque prison cell.
Fake Fall
A few days after you’re dreading the idea of walking to your car because you know the heat radiating from the asphalt is going to melt the aglets on your shoelaces (look it up), here come Fake Fall. The days are warm and the nights are cool. For a few glorious evenings, the windows are open. The evenings are cool and comfortable; you may even need a light sweater or sweatshirt to bring to your friend’s backyard firepit. Note: this is when “Local Summer” also falls onto the local calendar.
Fall
Fall on the Jersey Shore. Is there a more magical time of year? The color of each and every leaf seem to capture every color on the pallet. There’s fall festivals, pumpkin carving parties, blue jeans, harvesting of vegetables of every shape and size. It’s pure goodness in one, beautiful season. Topped with Halloween candy and still hopeful Jets and Giants fans whose dreams have yet to be crushed.
-Carl Craft
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