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Hey, Rat Rock Nation!   East Side Dave here!   And as some of you may know…I love Christmas and holiday movies!   Well, I stumbled upon this funny article regarding Home Alone.

They asked well-respected doctor, Dr. Ryan St. Clair of the Weill Cornell Medical College, to diagnose the injuries that the “Wet Bandits,” Marv & Harry, suffered at the hands of the merciless psychopath known as Kevin McCallister.   Here’s what the doctor had to say!


BB Gun To Harry’s Groin & Marv’s Head

Kevin shoots Harry in the groin…then Marv in the face.   He’s like a little Rambo, this kid.   Anyway, the doctor says that the shots could indeed break the skin…but they would not penetrate the skull or the scrotum through the fabric.   See a physician at earliest convenience.




A Clothes Iron Crushes Marv’s Face

Kevin gets a clothes iron to fall on Marv’s face from a good height.   Kevin is a psycho.   The doctor says that this could fracture the bones surrounding the eyes and lead to serious disfigurement and debilitating double vision if not repaired properly.   Go to ER at once.




Harry Burns His Hand On The Scalding Door Handle

The evil maniac known as Kevin McCallister sets up the door handle to seriously mess up Harry’s hand.   In order for the doorknob to glow the way it did, the knob would have had to be 751 degrees Fahrenheit.   The doctor says that there’s a high risk for infection and scar tissue limiting the flexibility and movement of the hand.   See a burn specialist at once.




Harry’s Head Gets Blowtorched

Kevin shows just how truly demonic he is by setting up a horrific blowtorch trap that practically melts Harry’s scalp off.   The doctor says that Harry would likely need a transplant because his skin and bone tissue would be so damaged and rotted.   Call 9-1-1 immediately.




Harry & Marv Are Severely Hit In The Face By Full Paint Cans

At this point…I’m starting to think that KEVIN is the movie’s villain.   I mean, this sinister child of Satan goes all in and attempts to murder Marv and Harry with heavy, full, paint cans.   The doctor says that this would fracture multiple facial bones, maybe knock out teeth, and also knock a person out cold.   Call a funeral home.




In summation…Kevin McCallister is a more ruthless and twisted monster than Freddy Krueger!   If you see this kid coming……..RUN!!   Happy Holidays from the RAT!!

– East Side Dave



"East Side" Dave McDonald. Co-Host Of The Morning Rat Race (6 to 10 AM). Digital Content Coordinator & Producer.